recipe random

about 1/4 cup diced onion
2 crushed and minced garlic cloves
1/4 red pepper and 1/2 green pepper diced

(saute these in skillet in butter/evoo)

in a saucepan, boil 1/2 box rotini until almost cooked
3 minutes before taking pasta out, throw in a bag of frozen peas.
drain all together

put pasta/peas and 1 jar pasta sauce into skillet with other veggies
add some water to the pasta sauce jar, close and swish around, pour in skillet
simmer all until pasta is fully cooked.

If i had had some parmesan, it would have gone great with this!!!

It's amazing what a meager pantry can produce with some inspiration.

more dreams

Cheater, Cheater
I was with my fiance and some other people, but my best friend T from college had arrived. I had always had a crush on him, but we had only made out a few (weird) times. He was giving off a vibe. We were all at the mall. Somehow I knew T wanted to go somewhere to kiss me. Nothing too bad. I looked at my fiance and he winked at me. He didn't care if I went with T for a bit. So T dashed off. I knew where he would meet me - a particular store at the mall. So I followed. I thought maybe he misunderstood, because he was not there. I was just going to kiss him, but I feel a little guilty about that. My fiance feels fine about sharing me with other women if I desire but I don't think it is fair. I think if he shares me I should be willing to share him and I am not. So I am following the same rules that I expect him to follow. I guess in my dream life I am a bit more adventurous. I didn't end up kissing or even touching my friend T - but still guilty I thought about it.

Video Game
I was doing an interactive video game with three friends. At one place in the game we split off in 4 directions to scout out the territory. We agreed to meet back in one hour. However, when I looked at my cell phone, it was giving me nonsense, I didn't understand what time it was and there was garbled information showing on the screen - like some kind of date book with appointments I do not remember writing.

2 days of weird dreams. I wonder if I am getting sick.

mess o' dreams

I had dreams that ran together. Pretty weird.

Mattress Man
I lived in a house with a bunch of people. High concentration of younger teenagers and I am not sure if I was Carrie (36) or a younger version of myself. We were next door to the ocean. Part of the house (or maybe the house was a giant boat) protruded out into the ocean. I stuck my foot in a particular part of the porch and it was watery and full of partially degraded seaweed. At one part of the dream, i dove into the water and swam like a fish like it was no big deal. The only thing about it that concerned me were the lots of other kids who could run into me and cause me to suck in water. The big crisis was the leader of the house - a genius man not unlike Steve Jobs - was developing something like a memory foam mattress. One of the "kids" actually seemed to be a very attractive "little person". She had an expose. If you put sea water on the mattress material, it would cause your skin to bleed. So this has severe negative implications for marketing the mattress anywhere that there was saltwater present. She demonstrated it with a drop of sea water, then the genius man, maddened, demonstrated with more, a bloody mess. In the part of the dream where I swam, I had found a chunk of metal - chromey - like one of the flashy parts of a car. I was holding it near my chest as I swam. The man was furious that his product seemed to be un-saleable. He locked everyone out of the workshop and told people to stay away for a while - under threat of violence, based on the look in his eyes. The little person was pretty, with deep blonde hair - (honey colored? amber?) and she wore a dress that hid her little cankles. She seemed proportional until her dress rode up from the floor level and revealed little stubby feet and ankles.

High School
I was back at high school. I attended my first Art class. It was either the first or the last class of the day. When you were in this class, you got an "art kit" that included an old skool camera (b&w), some different drawing media, etc. When I opened the art kit, a roll of grayish paper fell out, it instantly turned a purplish tone upon exposure to light. I knew immediately that that was the film, and I stashed it away out of the light, then asked the teacher whether the film that wasn't on the outside could be used. Someone said I could use "the other side" of the film. But that made no sense. How could I load the film on a roll so the other side was facing the correct way? This was the first day of class. I experienced the next day of class too, and it ended far sooner than I expected. I asked the teacher (coincidentally, my high school art teacher) how long class was and she said 39 minutes. That seemed off to me, but maybe there were different times depending on day of the week.

There were more dreams I cannot remember. I don't know why the dreams tonight were more vivid, but possibly because I had more time to sleep without an alarm, and I got some exercise in the evening before I went to bed.

dhal recipe - website had yucky flash animations.

* 1 ½ cups of Split Yellow Lentils (washed & drained)
* 5 cups of Water
* ½ tsp. Ground Turmeric (Pisi Haldi)
* 2 slices of fresh Ginger (Adrak) (unpeeled)
* ¾ tsp. Salt
* ¼ tsp. of Garam Masala
* 3 tbsp. of Clarified Butter (Ghee) or Cooking Oil
* ½ tsp. Cumin Seeds (Saabut Sufaid Zeera)
* 2 cloves of Garlic (Lehsan) (peeled & chopped)
* ¼ tsp. Red Chilli Powder (Pisi Lal Mirch)

1. Combine lentils in a heavy pot with 5 cups of water. Bring to a boil and remove any surface scum. Add the turmeric powder and ginger.

2. Cover, by leaving the lid slightly open, turn heat to low, and simmer gently for 1 ½ hours or until the lentils are tender.

3. Stir every 5 minutes or so during the last half hour of cooking to prevent it from sticking to the bottom of pan. Remove ginger slices. Add salt and garam masala and stir to mix.

4. Heat the oil or clarified butter in a small frying pan over medium heat. When it is hot, add the cumin seeds and garlic.

5. Stir and fry until the garlic pieces are lightly brown. Add the red chilli powder into the pan. Immediately lift the pan off the heat and pour the entire content (oil and spices) into the pot with the lentils. Stir to mix.

(no subject)

I had the most involved dream yet with my sister. I was visiting my sister along with a bunch of other young people. Her PJ was not there but it did not occur to me until the end of the dream.

There was sitting around talking time. She kept taking pictures of everyone. There seemed to be at least 3 couples and she and I.

In one place in my dream I was looking at my facebook, at my sister's new album. Some of the pictures showed me undressed with naughty bits covered. I think a bunch of us had too much to drink when she took all the pictures. I was trying to untag my name off the pix at least, before I told her to take down the rest of them. In the process of trying to find the pix with me in them I came across some pictures that appeared to be underwater pictures of a guy and girl having sex in a pool. They would have had to be taken underwater. The pictures turned to video as I looked at them. The girl seemed to be having less fun that the guy, but I didn't know them so I watched on, curious.

Later, I asked Amy about her pictures and she said a lot had happened the day I was asleep - or the day before I joined the gathering not sure. She said she wasn't just the photographer, she had become the lover of the people in the pool. I was somewhat jealous, and I blushed a little because that was not the impression I had initially and when she told me it was in front of the sexy couple. I said something like "why do I miss all the fun?-

As she was divulging this, a bunch of people were cooking food. There was one turnip or onion-shaped vegetable soaking in a giant (bigger than 5 gal) bucket as part of its preparation. There was a guy at the stove pushing food around in 3-4 skillets. All the food looked like vegetable matter and I just knew it came from a CSA.

At around that time, I remembered something. Where is PJ? I thought. Then I thought - the person who's missing should be my sister, if this is real. I walked up to face my sister. I took her hands. She would not face me at first, maybe she was looking at the people cooking. I told her to look at me. She looked thinner than normal. Something was funny around her eyes, and her nostrils were somehow dark around the edges. I knew she was still my sissie. I said earnestly...

"I know you're dead sissie...I love you and I miss you and I am glad..."

I woke up. The dream ended. I had been about to say I was glad she had been shown to me in a dream that seemed to last a couple of days.

Is my heart accepting its task to let my sister go? Having dreams like this help. Being able to talk to her for even a moment was good.

(no subject)

I dreamed about my sister - she was wearing a tie-dye tee shirt. The three of us were. I was telling everyone how bright and cheery they looked. Anna gave Amy a hug (although they'd never met before). It was a smiley fun dream

(no subject)

rejected fb status

- saw many many pairs of boy underwear today. Too bad they don't wear labels saying whether they are being worn by boys it's legal to ogle.

bad grieving day

I can say with certainty that losing my twin has been the worst thing ever to happen in my life. Being diagnosed with chronic kidney disease is merely a mosquito bite compared to this. It's like I've stepped into an alternate reality where nothing is as beautiful, nothing is as fun, nothing is as clear and pure. I have always felt a childlike joy in life. This joy seems to be evident to many of the people I meet - that inner child has been bludgeoned, the joy diminished. My sister was all I ever needed for emotional support and understanding. She always laughed at my stupid puns, chortled at the same places in movies, and she believed in me and in my creative talents and intelligence. She took me seriously when I needed to be taken seriously. She always, always, always took my side. My relationship with her had no unresolved issues and few secrets. It is a small mercy that I know she knew that I loved her very much and that she was my most important person and twin star.

I don't understand being on this earth without her. I'm not getting the hang of it. I know it is my duty and my honor and privilege to stay here on Earth, noticing the brightest sunset and the tiniest jeweled dewdrop. I know I contribute the lives of the people I know and love, and others.

My last moments near her body were very grim - she was unconscious. Machines breathed for her and pumped her full of medicines and fluids. One of the medicines was a paralytic - her body was still opened up from a six hour surgery, packed with gauze in preparation for a future surgery (which was to be when she stabilized, which never happened). Mercifully, she was covered with sheets so I did not see a lot of blood. Her tissues were bloated because of her failing organs and all the IV fluids that they had given her. I held her chilly hand and told her what I had to tell her, but she never woke up, never really had a chance to say goodbye.

My real last moments with Amy as a vital, laughing, fun and wonderful person happened in August when I traveled to MI for the 3-day walk (a Komen walk). She could not go on the walk herself, but helped us fundraise feverishly! She hosted Mom and I at her house and we woke up at 4 something to go to the first day of the walk. Amy met us at cheering stations along the walk, and spritzed us with water and cooled us with a battery operated hand-fan. She offered lots of support and encouragement.

At the end of the walk, during closing ceremonies, I cried my eyes out. It had been a long three days. I bawled like a baby. I wonder whether part of me knew that I'd soon be seeing my sister for the last few hours I would ever see her. I called Amy and we all went to her car and made a speedy getaway - lots of walkers had to go home! We went to the hotel and washed up a bit for dinner. Amy bought me some things I needed from the drugstore - some tylenol - and some cherry chapstick. Mom and I and Amy and PJ went to dinner - an early birthday dinner - at the local fancy restaurant. I was so exhausted I could barely taste my dinner, but it was a tasty and fun time. Amy dropped us off at the hotel (which was attached to the airport) and gave us big hugs. That was the last hug I got from her.

I miss her every day, sometimes every minute. It's hard to caption when you're crying. I believe the spirit lives on after the body dies. I know Amy's spirit surrounds us all the time. She does what she can to keep us OK. While she is sad she's not able to speak with us or hug us, she is exploring her new existence, visiting the pyramids in the blink of an eye, trying out a few minutes in the body of a studly hunk or kittycat or snail. She's visiting other galaxies and prancing about on Mars. She's taking naps on clouds. She's communing with our ancestors past, learning family history that has never been recorded. She's visiting our ancestral homes. She might not have gotten around to time travel yet. She has plenty of time for that.

worst life ever.

I cannot help but feel by taking my twin's life, the murderer took the rest of my life as well. We had so many plans...meeting up for the holidays and things like that. We talked on the phone all the time. We always had the best time together and laughed like crazy. They took my dearest friend and my "most important person". I've never grieved before and I cannot help but think I am doing it wrong. Shouldn't I be more of a mess? Shouldn't I cry more? Am I just ignoring my feelings when I try to get out and meet people and do things? Is it a huge mistake to try to make decisions about the rest of my life?

I feel like I am making no progress. I feel like I'm only getting fatter, uglier, less successful, and more of a wallflower. I feel like there are fewer reasons that people might want to meet me. I feel less special, less cool, dumber, and lost.

Rationally, I know I am the same person...just with more grief. But when I look in the mirror I see a different person. My values are the same. I get similar joy from nature and from creating art and writing and cooking. I am talented at some things, and I'm pretty smart. I love my boyfriend and am so grateful for his great company and for his sweet love. Despite all of the good things I still have, I'm so lonely.

I want to feel like myself, my own happy self. It is so hard.

(no subject)

I had a dream my twin sis was alive. She was driving four people around in a sedan type car. She pulled up in the left-turn lane, then when it was her turn to go, she pulled a U-ey with a giant grin on her face. I don't know if this is entirely legal. I smiled. I thought. Well, I know she is going to die. Maybe this time she will not die. :( But it was a happy moment in the dream...showed her mischievous spirit and glee.